Soapbox time: Infertility Etiquette

I spent time this week with a long time friend who is having fertility issues. As we talked about what a roller coaster ride infertility is, we compared notes on frequent things people say and do. I have often thought that there should be an article or book on how to be supportive and not hurt your friends who have fertility issues. Here are some of my thoughts of what could be in that book from our infertility and adoption experiences. Please understand, we know that our friends' hearts are in the right place, and they in no way have meant to be hurtful.

It is never a good idea to ask people when they are going to have children. It felt very intrusive to me when people asked me this. Even worse are those who tell women they need to start because they might not have much more time. This no-no should be fairly obvious, but nevertheless it is amazing how many people ask things like this. If you do ask be prepared to be uncomfortable if the answer is "We are unable to have children" (which is what I always said).

Please do not judge whatever decision we make on how to grow our family, and if you must judge, by all means, keep it to yourself. Everyone feels called to tackle this life roadblock in different ways, and the decisions we make are not easily made. Once we were at an adoption function when Elizabeth was a toddler. We were talking to some friends and one actually said they did not understand why people would go through fertility treatment when there are so many children out there already born needing homes. I received what felt like a five minute dissertation on how selfish invitro fertilization is. I kind of enjoyed watching the color drain from their face as I told him Elizabeth is an invitro baby. I have run into this attitude more than once. The truth is, many fertility treatments are not about having your genetics in a baby as much as we as women were built to have babies. Our bodies, every month from about 14 on, remind us that one of the great gifts God has given us is the ability to carry a wonderful life inside us. For many of us, we want to be able to fulfill that purpose, even if it is only one time. Personally, pregnancy was one of my top things I looked forward to in my adulthood. It was devastating to think I possibly never would get to experience carrying our child.

Just in case fertility treatments seem like an easy choice-here is a window into fertility treatment and invitro fertilization:

In one year:

• I had major surgery-it took 5 hours and was very involved.
• Neil gave me over 200 shots.
• I had over 40 ultra personal ultrasounds-you know what I mean if you have ever had one.
• Drugs were used to shut down my reproductive system through temporary menopause-hot flashes and all.
• Drugs were used to send hormones into hyper drive to produce a quantity of eggs.
• I had incredible mood swings and surges (PMS on steroids) due to the drugs we were using
  
• Muscles in my back became tough from so many injections.

Those are just a few of the joys of the process. They pale in comparison to the difficult emotional aspect which was amplified because of all of the hormones pumped into my body. No one is going to put themselves through this as well as the financial drain on a whim.

Please do not tell us that if we relax or take our mind off of it pregnancy will happen. Likewise, do not tell us that once we adopt or have a child that child number two will come easily. These statements are usually said from a heart of love, and when the friend does not really know what to say. Yes there can be some truth to these statements. There is also the possibility that that is not true at all for the woman having problems. We still hear that kind of stuff frequently. Elizabeth is five-if we were able to get pregnant after her we would have already had a second baby. This fall I will probably need to have a hysterectomy. After we adopt, inevitably someone is going to say, "Watch out, you could get pregnant now" at which time I will be able to say, "Don't think so-I have no uterus".

I personally appreciated it when people did not try to say anything at all other than, "I am sorry" or "Let me know if I can do anything". It is ok to not say anything-sometimes we just want to talk and be heard. One of the most beautiful things a close friend said to me was,"How is this impacted by and impacting your relationship with God?" She knows me well.

I always appreciated my friends who included me in baby showers and other child-related events. I was already feeling left out, and not getting invited to stuff just hurt more. It only happened a couple of times because the hostess truly worried that it would be hard for me to be around babies. I preferred to make the call. Most girls going through this hopefully will speak up and tell you when they cannot come. There was one shower I could not attend because I was too emotionally crushed at the time. My friends understood, and it felt wonderful and really helped my spirits that they asked me in the first place.

If someone is adopting, please ask them "domestic or international?" before asking "what country"? When we started the adoption process we felt called to adopt domestically. We were completely caught off guard by the negative feeling some people have toward domestic adoption. When we told them we were adopting from the US many people asked why not overseas-there are a lot of babies overseas who need a home. Adoption of any kind is a calling and your heart is definitely drawn to a country including the US. In a sense, for many, where you adopt from chooses you, you do not choose it.

If you have had no problem having children, please be very thankful. This is a great blessing, more than you will ever understand.

If you are pregnant, please be super sensitive that there are so many women who cannot have babies. Maybe complain only to your closest friends who you know have no problems. One of the absolute hardest things for me as well as some of my friends is to listen to pregnant women complain about their pregnancy and how bad they feel. We would give anything to have the back pain, fatigue, weight gain, stretch marks and all other maladies that go with pregnancy.

I wish we were not infertile. We would love to have at least three children but that probably will not happen. Infertility has strengthened us though. It draws us closer together together as a family. Neil has been so supportive and loving in the midst of my massive mood swings and emotional upheaval. God has made himself known to us over and over in the most unbelievable ways. He gave us Elizabeth, and I still catch myself looking at her amazed she is here. He has a son picked out for us, and we cannot wait to meet the little guy. We believe God has a plan for us and we are amazed at how he blesses us as we wait on His timing.

Janet