He's getting so big!

The highlight of our weekend was opening the mail last night and finding new pictures of our son. Here is a picture of Asa from a couple of weeks ago. We cannnot wait to bring him home!! No idea why he is in pink. Probably a good thing since pink is the dominant color in our little girl home right now. It will be a familiar color to him.

Brief window into life with a nut allergy

We went to our first Christmas party tonight. We were one of the first ones there and Elizabeth stood in front of a big bowl of candy staring at it. Next to it was a bowl of mixed nuts. I told her it was ok , and that we could get some candy before other people arrived and it probably would be safe. She still would not eat any out of fear of a reaction. We are so thankful she is this cautious.
Her allergy, as many nut allergies, is such that if someone grabbed a handful of nuts and then touched the candy and she ate some candy they touched she could have a reaction. We never know what the reaction will be; we just know it will be worse than the last. It could be a life threatening reaction.
Just last week a friend of hers with an allergy got in his car at home and his mom drove him to school. By the time they arived at school his eyes were swollen shut. They do not know why, but they think another child ate a peanut product, got in their car, had nut residue on his hands and touched something in the car. Elizabeth's friend then touched the residue and rubed his eyes and volia-allergic reaction. So glad he did not put his hands in his mouth.
The most difficult thing for us has been the fact she acquired this allergy as an older child. This is very rare and absolutely sucks. Most of her allergy friends do not like the forbidden foods and do not know what they are missing. Elizabeth has had five years of eating cake at birthday parties, going our for ice cream, eating out at any restaurant, and not thinking twice about what she eats. This is our first Christmas with this and we try to stuff her before we go to parties hoping she will not notice the table and plates of goodies that she could eat this time last year. We cannot get ice cream at an ice cream store because if they scoop the pistachio or almond type ice cream then scoop the vanilla she is in trouble. Anything from a bakery is out because they use nuts on the same equipment they make cookies, cakes, etc. We are becoming pros at calling restaurants and grilling them on their station set up and nut usage. It is unbelieveable how many things are processed in facilities that also process nuts. Grocery shopping takes close to two hours because of reading labels, and we have to read them every time because plants and processing can change. We are adjusting. The hardest part is watching our five year old adjust.
We are very thankful as well. We have wonderful friends and doctors who are helping us navigate this world. We are thankful for modern medicine and that we know about her allergy. We are thankful that we were home on a Saturday afternoon when she had her reaction and the hospital was empty when we arrived. We were not in Korea, we were not at a restaurant and we had nothing planned. We are hopeful research will shed more light on the bizare food allergies kiddos have these days and maybe they will become more managable.

Our son!!

Well, I am very slow at updating this thing. The Korean gov't did rule in favor of the foster family, so Hanbin is staying in Korea. For me, by the time we heard the decision three weeks after the initial call, I was more relieved than anything. It was all finally over, and we could move on with life. Well, a week after that call we received another call. Amazingly, we already have a new referral. This time Korea made sure our child is with an experienced foster family who will be able to let go of this child they have loved, so the risk of that happening again is non-existent.

His birthday is May 12, and he is a very healthy little guy. Neil is still working on his name. These pictures were taken at the end of August. We cannot believe this is our second referral of a completely healthy child. That is very rare. God continues to bless us greatly through this process.

















Apparently the old-man-pants-up-to-your-armpits is the latest baby craze in Korea.


































Our wonderful social worker who has a child from Korea commented,"Good luck with his hair." She speaks from experience.

We might lose Hanbin to his foster family

Well, it has been a horrible week. Wednesday afternoon our social worker called us with the news that Hanbin's foster family wants to adopt him. After that, I pretty much did not hear what she had to say. In short, next week a Korean social worker will visit the family and evaluate the situation to decide if they or we can adopt him. Now, where my anger comes from is he was in their home for over two months before we received his referral, and during that time he was open for Korean adoption and not yet on the international adoption list.

Why not ask to adopt him then? Why did it take his getting referred to us for them to decide they want him? Who knows. What we do know is Korea really values domestic adoption, so we may have very little chance of bringing him home. What we have working for us is the mom is 48 and the dad is 52 and their youngest is 19. We should find out sometime next week Korea's decision. No one involved in our side of this process has ever heard of this happening. Our side also has no control over what happens. There is no reasoning or making a case for us. We just sit and wait for the Korean adoption system to make their decision.

We are not telling Elizabeth anything until we know exactly what is going to happen.

We will post Korea's decision when we hear it. Meanwhile, I hope the worst of the weeping has past. It was pretty intense over the last 48 hours. I am sure there will be another wave of tears, but at least they are further apart and less intense. There is just a deep sadness now. That will last for awhile, but I can work with that.

Meanwhile, we pray. We pray that God allows Hanbin to come to our home as our son, but we also know that God has a plan and ultimately we are content and at peace with His plan. If he has another child in mind as our son, we ask that He holds our hearts through this pain and gives us wisdom to guide Elizabeth through this. Life has taught both of us that God's plans for us are usually better than anything we could ever dream of on our own. Sometimes it is a little harder to arrive at our dreams than we would like it to be, but in the end He gives us exactly what He knows our hearts need.

How vain

Every Saturday Neil takes Elizabeth to breakfast and then they go do different activities. It is the one morning a week I stay out of the outfitting business with Elizabeth. Neil does not care how coordinated her clothes are; that seems to be a mom thing. I figure people will see her with her dad and understand mom had nothing to do with the loud, colorful, mismatched outfit and shaggy hair.
Well, this past Saturday they came home from their outing all excited because a reporter stopped when she saw them playing in Richland creek and photographed and interviewed them. One who is less self involved would have shared in the excitement and would have immediately been thrilled to have this precious father-daughter moment captured in print. Well, what was my immediate thought? "Oh shoot! What was she wearing?!" I still feel a little bad about that being the first thing that came to mind. At least it was a fleeting thought. I am very excited for them, and cannot wait to see the article and read what they did with Elizabeth's first interview.

Our Referral from Korea

We got a referral for a baby boy from Korea this week. His name is Hanbin Suh. After having our pediatrician review his medical file, we have officially accepted him! He is very healthy, growing well within infant growth charts, and he was born on my father's birthday, March 7, 2008.

From here, the Korean government and US immigration take about two months each, so, hopefully, we will go to Korea sometime in the new year to pick him up!

We will post more information and pictures later, so check back here soon!

Neil, Janet & Elizabeth

Coming to terms with "God our Father"

God our Father. Growing up in church this was one of the most highlighted descriptions of God I heard. God is our heavenly father. The adults always said this with such awe and reverence. I never knew what to do with that one. Father was not a warm term with me, yet this was supposed to be one of the most loving, defining and endearing characterizations of God. A father to me was someone who yelled, belittled, controlled, drank heavily, threatened, tore down and caused us to live in fear. He stripped me of any self confidence and self esteem I may have had. He left me feeling insecure and hopeless. Because of his lack of desire to provide for us, we constantly worried about how we would buy food, clothes and basic life needs. This was my reality of the character of a father.

Looking back, I understand why this characterization of God was unsettling and confusing. With my frame of reference of who a father was, how could I possibly as a child see "God our Father" as an affirming and wonderful thing? I think as churches try to teach children about God their father they sometimes forget that a child's concept of a father is based on a less than perfect human father-some much less perfect than others.

Anyhow, fast forward a decade or two; I think I understand now. God has given me a husband who is an amazing father and suddenly God my father is more real to me. The love Neil has for Elizabeth is beyond anything I have ever seen. I did not know fathers could be like this. He is her protector and provider. He lives for spending time with her. He loves her with abandon and would lay down his life for her. Although he does not like to, he disciplines her for her own safety, but sometimes he lets her learn the hard way. He wants to train her heart to love others more than herself and be thankful for all she has. He wants her someday to be a strong, self assured woman who has a strong moral compass, a huge, tender heart, great integrity and much God given wisdom. It makes him sad to see her struggle or cry. It also makes him sad to see her take her blessings for granted and turn into the selfish 5 year old she is (show me a 5 year old that isn't). Most of all, she is his great pride, joy and love.

As I have watched this, I realize that is what those Sunday School teachers were trying to tell me all those years. How Neil feels about Elizabeth is how God feels about me, but in a greater way. He loves me with abandon, has given me so much, disciplined me many a time, and really wants the best for me. He is my provider and protector. Daily I am that 5 year old who is selfish and ungrateful, and while this "hurts His heart" (as Elizabeth would say), God still loves me, wants the best for me and is there for me. I think I understand now.

Janet

Soapbox time: Infertility Etiquette

I spent time this week with a long time friend who is having fertility issues. As we talked about what a roller coaster ride infertility is, we compared notes on frequent things people say and do. I have often thought that there should be an article or book on how to be supportive and not hurt your friends who have fertility issues. Here are some of my thoughts of what could be in that book from our infertility and adoption experiences. Please understand, we know that our friends' hearts are in the right place, and they in no way have meant to be hurtful.

It is never a good idea to ask people when they are going to have children. It felt very intrusive to me when people asked me this. Even worse are those who tell women they need to start because they might not have much more time. This no-no should be fairly obvious, but nevertheless it is amazing how many people ask things like this. If you do ask be prepared to be uncomfortable if the answer is "We are unable to have children" (which is what I always said).

Please do not judge whatever decision we make on how to grow our family, and if you must judge, by all means, keep it to yourself. Everyone feels called to tackle this life roadblock in different ways, and the decisions we make are not easily made. Once we were at an adoption function when Elizabeth was a toddler. We were talking to some friends and one actually said they did not understand why people would go through fertility treatment when there are so many children out there already born needing homes. I received what felt like a five minute dissertation on how selfish invitro fertilization is. I kind of enjoyed watching the color drain from their face as I told him Elizabeth is an invitro baby. I have run into this attitude more than once. The truth is, many fertility treatments are not about having your genetics in a baby as much as we as women were built to have babies. Our bodies, every month from about 14 on, remind us that one of the great gifts God has given us is the ability to carry a wonderful life inside us. For many of us, we want to be able to fulfill that purpose, even if it is only one time. Personally, pregnancy was one of my top things I looked forward to in my adulthood. It was devastating to think I possibly never would get to experience carrying our child.

Just in case fertility treatments seem like an easy choice-here is a window into fertility treatment and invitro fertilization:

In one year:

• I had major surgery-it took 5 hours and was very involved.
• Neil gave me over 200 shots.
• I had over 40 ultra personal ultrasounds-you know what I mean if you have ever had one.
• Drugs were used to shut down my reproductive system through temporary menopause-hot flashes and all.
• Drugs were used to send hormones into hyper drive to produce a quantity of eggs.
• I had incredible mood swings and surges (PMS on steroids) due to the drugs we were using
  
• Muscles in my back became tough from so many injections.

Those are just a few of the joys of the process. They pale in comparison to the difficult emotional aspect which was amplified because of all of the hormones pumped into my body. No one is going to put themselves through this as well as the financial drain on a whim.

Please do not tell us that if we relax or take our mind off of it pregnancy will happen. Likewise, do not tell us that once we adopt or have a child that child number two will come easily. These statements are usually said from a heart of love, and when the friend does not really know what to say. Yes there can be some truth to these statements. There is also the possibility that that is not true at all for the woman having problems. We still hear that kind of stuff frequently. Elizabeth is five-if we were able to get pregnant after her we would have already had a second baby. This fall I will probably need to have a hysterectomy. After we adopt, inevitably someone is going to say, "Watch out, you could get pregnant now" at which time I will be able to say, "Don't think so-I have no uterus".

I personally appreciated it when people did not try to say anything at all other than, "I am sorry" or "Let me know if I can do anything". It is ok to not say anything-sometimes we just want to talk and be heard. One of the most beautiful things a close friend said to me was,"How is this impacted by and impacting your relationship with God?" She knows me well.

I always appreciated my friends who included me in baby showers and other child-related events. I was already feeling left out, and not getting invited to stuff just hurt more. It only happened a couple of times because the hostess truly worried that it would be hard for me to be around babies. I preferred to make the call. Most girls going through this hopefully will speak up and tell you when they cannot come. There was one shower I could not attend because I was too emotionally crushed at the time. My friends understood, and it felt wonderful and really helped my spirits that they asked me in the first place.

If someone is adopting, please ask them "domestic or international?" before asking "what country"? When we started the adoption process we felt called to adopt domestically. We were completely caught off guard by the negative feeling some people have toward domestic adoption. When we told them we were adopting from the US many people asked why not overseas-there are a lot of babies overseas who need a home. Adoption of any kind is a calling and your heart is definitely drawn to a country including the US. In a sense, for many, where you adopt from chooses you, you do not choose it.

If you have had no problem having children, please be very thankful. This is a great blessing, more than you will ever understand.

If you are pregnant, please be super sensitive that there are so many women who cannot have babies. Maybe complain only to your closest friends who you know have no problems. One of the absolute hardest things for me as well as some of my friends is to listen to pregnant women complain about their pregnancy and how bad they feel. We would give anything to have the back pain, fatigue, weight gain, stretch marks and all other maladies that go with pregnancy.

I wish we were not infertile. We would love to have at least three children but that probably will not happen. Infertility has strengthened us though. It draws us closer together together as a family. Neil has been so supportive and loving in the midst of my massive mood swings and emotional upheaval. God has made himself known to us over and over in the most unbelievable ways. He gave us Elizabeth, and I still catch myself looking at her amazed she is here. He has a son picked out for us, and we cannot wait to meet the little guy. We believe God has a plan for us and we are amazed at how he blesses us as we wait on His timing.

Janet

Hello from the Masters! (Us, not Augusta National)

Well, we finally decided to start a blog (how far behind ARE we?) We primarily wanted to start this to help keep friends and family up-to-date on our adoption plans. So, here goes:

We started the adoption journey about 18 months ago. Initially, we decided to adopt domestically, and half way through, we felt uneasy about it and changed our minds to adopt internationally. After discussing it with our pediatrician (who has about 60 internationally adopted patients) he helped us narrow down the viable options for us to China,Vietnam and Korea. We were approved for China in May of 2007.

In an odd twist, Janet heard about a friend of a friend that just picked up their adopted boy from Korea. We were a little confused, as they live in TN and our adoption agency told us that, since there were no agencies in TN approved for Korea, that Korean adoption was not possible. Well, after a little investigation, we found out that there are agencies that team up with out of state agencies to allow Tennesseans to adopt from Korea. This was appealing to us as China's wait was getting longer and longer, and we both want a boy. China adopts out about 95% girls, while Korea adopts out about 95% boys and the Korean wait is about 6-9 months, while China is about 2 1/2 years.

So, earlier this year, we finished our Korean paperwork and in late May, our paperwork arrived in Korea. We are now officially waiting on a boy from Korea. We have been told it could be 3 weeks to 9 months, but that recently the wait has been much less than the 9 months.